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Just because the hunt is over doesn't mean the hunt is over. As a matter of fact, the hunt usually gets more exciting after the hunt is over.
That little forked-horn buck killed a few hundred yards from camp becomes a Boone & Crockett trophy taken five miles from camp with a 500-yard shot across a canyon in a blizzard. That spike elk shot in the middle of a Forest Service road at 20 yards morphs into a behemoth 6 X 6 bull shot from the hip as it tried to run you over.
This time of year, if you haven't heard at least a dozen hunting stories you haven't left your house or talked on the phone. Some people have a storytelling voice that you could listen to all day. You'd still be paying attention if they finished their story and started reading the phone book. Then there are others with voices like Joe Lieberman or Wolf Blitzer that either put you to sleep or make you grimace as if hearing fingernails down a chalkboard.
How many times do hunters actually tell the truth about a hunting trip? Most will stretch the truth to some degree, sometimes even 180 degrees.
When some guys start talking about who manufactures each screw of their rifle or gets going with some old hunting tale, I've found that all I have to do is put myself into a self-induced coma and just remember to nod my head once every few minutes. An occasional "Wow" is thrown in to keep up the effect of my intent listening. I've come to the conclusion that those who insist upon talking about every part of the gun really doesn't know the first thing about hunting.
The hunters, and outdoor folk in general, who I respect the most are the ones who utilize the art of understatement. When asked where they got that monster buck or bull they'll say something like, "Just over the ridge," which would translate to mean over that 10,000-foot mountain, or "Just across the draw," which means across that 2-mile wide canyon.
Even though I respect these understating storytellers, their tales are often quite short, usually only a few 4-word sentences actually. That opens up the floor, or ground, to the story digresser. They overdo the story digression technique until you hear all about their childhood when talking about the elk they killed yesterday. They hate to give up the spotlight after telling their story and when it's your turn you end up saying, "Excuse me for talking while you interrupt me."
I started my outdoor storytelling at an early age. As proof, I came across a letter I wrote to my grandparents when I was 8 years old. I was writing about a vacation to Yellowstone. The meat of the letter went something like this:
"Saw moose. Saw deer. Saw bear. Saw bison." I guess I liked getting right to the point, leaving emotion out of it. My letters are similar to that today.
After hearing so many stories I can't help but think of sports analogies when it comes to hunting. The first day of the season of course would be opening ceremonies. In the red zone would mean the deer or elk is within 20 yards, a double fault would be shooting from your vehicle with no license, off sides means you're on private property and a false start means hunting before the season opens.
It wouldn't take too much imagination for the following analogies: strike three, Hail Mary, 4th and inches, full court press, checkered flag, foul, fumble, timeout, overtime, double play, hit a homer, 4th quarter, illegal motion, tripping, icing, unsportsmanlike conduct, grounding, illegal use of hands, hands to the face, roughing, delay of game and interference.
During a hunting story, no hunter ever admits to being lost. They were simply "turned around" for an extended period of time. If someone gets lost for a few days and can't make it back to camp, the story becomes something like - "I thought I'd pack light and head out for a few days tracking that elk we spotted…"
That's one way of becoming an American hero - head out into a winter storm with little survival gear, get lost for three or four days and finally get found by search and rescue. These people then make national news and all the morning shows.
Search and rescue is getting tired of going out after missing hunters each year. To prevent hunters from getting lost, I suggest the following - The No Hunter Left Behind program. All hunters are equipped with mandatory GPS units, satellite phones, highly reflective glow-in-the-dark fluorescent orange camo and radio collars.
There are GPSs that navigate for you by talking and giving directions. Some hunters need them while in the woods. For some, however, the voice might come on and say, "You are too far lost for even search and rescue to find you."
Another good step to help prevent the act of getting lost is being in shape. And no, round isn't a shape in this instance. One hunter I saw on the news who was a recipient of a search and rescue operation said he had 40 years of hunting experience under his belt but from the looks of it he had 40 years of fried chicken and beer under there as well.
Now that deer and elk seasons last from August 1 through November, it seems there's no escaping the hunting story. Then again there are muzzleloading seasons and special hunts that go through winter. Then there's spring bear season that goes through May. So that pretty much leaves June and July, when there's a dip in the number of hunting stories, to discuss the weather.
