Everyone is aware that hunting occurs during the fall, and most non-hunters usually stay out of the woods for fear of looking like Swiss cheese. But most people aren't aware of what exactly occurs out there during the hunting season. So I give you - The Secret World of Hunters.
First of all, what are hunters really after when they are out there in the wilds while living off the land and risking their lives amongst the wild animals? I'm not sure what they're after but the following is what the average hunter gets while on his or her annual hunting trip - fresh air, exercise, hopefully some meat, knowledge of the outdoors, sore feet, hemorrhoids, hopefully no citations, BO, indigestion, insomnia, camaraderie, drunk.
Mornings usually start with prayers. From the hunter - "Please God, let me get a buck today." From the deer- "Please God, watch over me today and keep me from getting shot." According to statistics, the deer's god usually wins out most of the time.
A friend of mine let me in on one of his hunting secrets - hearing aids. When he recently got a set, he reported that he could hear birds singing, deer approaching and his friends saying snide remarks about him under their breath. When he wanted to be quiet while stalking game, he'd just take them out. That way, he'd be sneaking quietly through the woods, at least in his mind. This secret hunting gear must work; my friend got his elk this year. I think it's about time I consider getting a pair.
Hunters often don't bathe or shave during the season, saying they want to smell like nature. News flash - there's nothing in nature that smells or looks like that, except maybe a rotting carcass.
Oftentimes a situation occurs at camp where there are three hunters and two tents. Here's a secret on tackling this problem. Say one or two of the following to your two buddies and you'll be assured of having a roomy tent to yourself: This itchy rash is just about cleared up. I'm not sure I should have eaten that whole can of baked beans and the entire pot of chili last night. You're looking pretty slim there Bill, are you on a diet? When I get scared at night, I like to cuddle with my wife. What was that; did you hear that?
Not every hunting camp will admit it but each has their own Gilligan. He knocks the entire evening meal into the fire after two hours of cooking. Or he sneezes when his buddy takes aim at a trophy buck or bull. He'll tell a long joke then forget the punchline. And he'll come back from outhouse with toilet paper hanging from his camo pants.
Every camp also has its Elmer Fudd. This is the guy who buys every piece of outdoor equipment but gets lost 100 yards from camp. He's on the radio every five minutes to check in. "I'm 287 feet from camp now according to my GPS," he reports on the radio. "We know Elmer, we can see you," is the response.
Baseball and other sports aren't unique in having a monopoly on useless statistics. Take for example - Buck Deerski has been shooting 61% over the last ten years with deer when shooting right-handed between 7 and 11 a.m. with the sun in his eyes after a six-pack the night before and the nearest game warden more than 10 miles away. (However, like any good law-fearing, God-abiding hunter, his out-of-season success rate and night-hunting rate are much higher).
The Outdoor Scream is something not often heard outside the secret confines of the hunting environment but, needless to say, does exist. This is similar to a Howard Dean scream but often much scarier. It can be heard from an excited hunter at an NRA meeting, for example. "I'm going after deer in Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah and Colorado. Then for ducks in California, North Dakota, Kansas and Nebraska. Then for elk in Washington and Oregon..Yeeaaahh!!! (scream).
The outdoor scream can also be initiated when a hunter rounds a corner on a trail and runs into a giant grizzly bear only five yards away. Or when he pulls up on the biggest buck of his life and his gun jams.
Although many hunters claim to be expert woodsmen, the secret is they are not. Search and Rescue is getting so tired of going out after missing hunters each year they are considering a new program called No Hunter Left Behind. Hunters would be equipped with GPS units, satellite phones, highly-reflective glow-in-the-dark fluorescent orange camo and radio collars.
Some hunters use tree stands, which brings up the controversy about how high you should be when bow hunting compared to rifle hunting? Studies show that usually a 12-pack the night before will do. When someone says they shot their deer from a tree, they usually get a response - I didn't know deer could climb trees!
Many may wonder which of the senses declines the most after several years of hunting. According to the latest data from search and rescue units, sense of direction wins hands down. I've noticed that many hunters rely on hand signals to communicate with their fellow hunters. Once, I had a buddy walk up to me as I stood over my 6-point bull and I asked him if he saw anything. I took his signal to mean "just one".
I know many hunters who go out year after year in search of what they call "trophies." They are often invited over to my house each year for venison. If cavemen held out for trophies, they would have gone extinct thousands of years sooner than they did.
Meet three teenage girls hunting and listen in on their conversation:
Amber - So, we were like, you know, I mean, it's like opening day or something - like awesome! Like what are we gonna wear?
Britney - Well, um, like let's head out. I mean it's like, you know, let's go.
Ashley - (at end of day) It was like, a great day and we were like, you know, this is cool and the deer was like out there and I was like, shoot Amber. And she was like shooting, and the deer, it was like taking off and we were like let's go and we found out that, you know, it was like she missed.
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